Anorgasmia is no joke!
A few comments about Sexual Aversion, Sexual Phobia and Fear of Sex.
Lack of desire
A significant number of people experience intense fear or anxiety — and perhaps even panic — at the prospect of sexual interaction of any kind.
Some feel anxiety or disgust when asked to engage in a specific sexual activity, perhaps sexual intercourse or masturbation. This is called genophobia... not that the word matters.
The issue is how to address the condition; and it's a major problem. For a woman (or a man) bears a heavy burden when kissing and all other similar activities including sex produce revulsion, fear, shame, guilt or anxiety.
Certainly in men this is a major cause of delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions. In woman it can lead to anorgasmia (lack of female orgasm) and lack of pleasure in sex, as well as low sexual desire (libido). For both sexes it can prevent relationships even forming in the first place.
So how do anorgasmia and fear of sex come about?
Genophobia is the fear of sexual intercourse. The word is derived from the Greek words genos, meaning “offspring,” and phobos, meaning “fear.”
Genophobia can also be called coitophobia: fear of the act of copulation. The term erotophobia – although rare – may also be used when describing genophobia.
The fear of sex is like every other intense fear or phobia in that it may induce panic and fear in men or women. And this fear may be induced by both the reality of sexual contact and the prospect of it – and even by the mere thought of it.
There are many different reasons why men and women develop a fear of sex. A major cause is sexual assault or abuse, since a victim's trust may be shattered and his or her right to self-determination has been disrupted.
Another cause of fear around sex is intense shame engendered by medical conditions such as hypospadias or genital abnormality. And some people have this fear or sex without any obvious reason.
But if a man or woman was abused, raped or otherwise sexually traumatized, shame, guilt, fear or disgust around sex is understandable.
In some cases this may be hard to understand; some people with a fear of sex have no history of sexual or abusive trauma. In fact, they may possibly have picked up some negative sexual attitudes, either in childhood or from some other repressive environment, producing anxiety and fear of sex in later life.
These fears may stop them having a healthy sexual relationship.
Obviously, people who suffer from this particular phobia will be unlikely to attempt sexual contact, which will probably prevent any kind of romantic relationship developing. Not only will sexual pleasure be absent, but so will orgasm.
And men and women who suffer fear of sex are likely to avoid any involvement in relationships so that they can avoid the possibility of sexual intimacy.
It follows that men and women in this situation are not only deprived of the reward of sexual interaction - orgasm - but may also feel lonely, embarrassed and ashamed of their fears around physical or psychological intimacy.
But the problem comes when a person wants a normal, healthy sexual relationship with a person they care about. After all, who would not want to experience the incredible power of orgasm while being held by a loved partner?
Yes, anxiety around sex and a simultaneous desire to be close to a loved one is frustrating and difficult. In fact, it ruins people's lives.
Now, we have to understand that sex is a powerful driving force for men. Sure, orgasm is the reward - but it is the sexual desire which men feel which makes them seek out sex.
For women, sex may be important, but perhaps the driving force behind it is love - connection with a beloved. Again, orgasm is a reward for sexual interaction, but many women say that simply feeling close to a loved one is a major reason for making love.
So we clearly could see both the male and the female orgasm as secondary to sex itself. Interesting, isn't it? However, in any event, wherever fear of sex is at work, there may be no other outlet for a man or woman's sexual drive than solitary masturbation to orgasm, purely to relieve sexual tension....
Diagnosis and Treatment of Sexual Aversion, Sexual Phobia and Fear
If a man or woman avoids genital sexual contact with his or her friend or partner because of disgust, fear, shame, anxiety or panic attacks, faintness, breathing difficulties, or a sense of terror, the "diagnosis" of fear of sex is not hard to make.
To deal with this, an individual approach is needed, but sexual therapy of some kind will almost certainly be required. The options for treating fear of sex range from classic psychotherapy to newer techniques such as EFT tapping therapy and NLP time line therapy.
These latter options can work faster and more effectively than traditional therapy, because they avoid digging into a person's sexual history while neutralizing the toxic effects of the original sexual trauma.
Whatever the therapy, people should be allowed to move at their own pace, taking as much time as they require to become comfortable with sexual situations and ideas.
To be honest, there is simply no reason why fear of sex, sexual intercourse, or sexual contact (also known as coitophobia) should continue to stop you exploring the glorious birthright of your human sexuality, including the powerful and wonderful experience of orgasm. That's true of both the male and female orgasm.
I know that may be hard to accept right now, but believe me – there is such immense pleasure to be had from sexual intimacy that you owe it to yourself to seek out this pleasure and own it as part of you.
And of course it doesn't have to be all done at once – small steps can lead to big, big results over time. But if you never start, if you go on doing the things you're doing, then you'll never change your fears.
So my suggestion to you is that you sign up with an online program for reducing anxiety about sex, with the option of taking one-to-one coaching and help from an expert in the field.
Orgasm During Sex
If you aren't yet enjoying orgasms, there are plenty of ways to learn how to become fully orgasmic - and plenty more to learn how to squirt.
In some cases, of course, relationship issues lie at the heart of the problem - sometimes a woman cannot orgasm during sex because she is resentful, withholding her love, or simply cannot invest her trust in the man she is with.
She may feel used, or may not believe he loves her. Or she may feel he just wants her for the sake of sex and the fun of making her squirt or gush (aka female ejaculate).
Depending on her system of values, all of these causes may prevent her "knowing" how to reach orgasm during sex - they will certainly prevent her form squirting which is an expression of total openness and giving on the part of the woman.
Helen came to see me because she was not reaching orgasm. At first, she found it very hard to believe that unconsciously she was deliberately withholding her orgasm because of her resentment, but she eventually came to see that there might be something in this idea.
Video - How To Make A Girl Squirt
A practical solution to her difficulties was harder to find because her baby was so young. Helen did not wish to take a job immediately, but I thought it would help if they could agree that as soon as her and her partner's domestic circumstances permitted she might take a job.
Her man Tom found this challenging, thinking as he did that a man should support his woman, but he adapted quickly enough and realized that for a happy partner - not to mention a good sex life and Helen being able to achieve orgasm or come during sex - he would have to stop being so controlling.
Therefore they agreed Helen should take a job when she wanted to do so, even if this was not for a year or two. I did not think Helen would have an orgasm, or indeed squirt, the first time they had sex; I thought it might take a little time.
It was obvious, however, that though she had unconsciously been extremely resentful, she did indeed love Tom, and the change in their sex lives was remarkable.
I suggested that if possible they let grandmama baby-sit and have a sexy weekend to themselves. Early on Monday morning Helen phoned me and related her exciting news: 'It's wonderful,' she said. 'We hardly stopped enjoying sex all weekend, and I can orgasm again - every time! I even learned how to squirt! I can't tell you how often - I had orgasm after orgasm! I don't know if I'll ever go back to work now, because a great sex life makes everything else seem less important!'
So this is an illustration of how unconscious emotions and feelings about your relationship can affect the pleasures of sex and cause difficulty in reaching orgasm. And, as you may expect, resentment towards your partner is only one of the may possible causes of psychologically induced inability to orgasm or to achieve female ejaculation.
Even though complete absence of sexual desire and orgasm is rare, anorgasmia is not at all uncommon.
With anorgasmia the woman experiences sexual desire and responds to it with sexual arousal to a greater or lesser extent. The common factor in all anorgasmia is that a woman is unable to orgasm during sex with her partner.
Anorgasmia may be due to psychological factors or to difficulty and pain during sexual activity, the causes of which can be many and varied.
Essentially I think of the condition as something which originates in two broad categories of experience.
First, an unpleasant or aversive sexual experience of some kind, which may be out of consciousness or perhaps even discounted by the woman concerned as being of no significance, or second, a physical experience which has conditioned the woman to expect pain or difficulty during penetration or thrusting.
This may include sexually transmitted diseases, tearing of the vaginal lining during intercourse, or yeast infection causing painful or uncomfortable intercourse. There is no such thing as a naturally tight vagina unless the woman has developed some scar tissue after childbirth or episiotomy.
This is not to say that a man with a very large penis may not have difficulty penetrating on occasion, but this can be alleviated with plenty of lubricant and a high level of arousal for the woman, when her vagina naturally stretches and relaxes.
The cure for some of the other causes of sexual anorgasmia - pain, infection, yeast infection maybe, are all something which can be controlled.
The old fashioned word "frigid" means that a woman never reaches orgasm, but it also implies the absence of sex drive and any kind of sexual arousal.
But this is not common: it corresponds to complete erectile dysfunction and absence of sexual desire in men. Sometimes this is caused by physical conditions - such as hormonal abnormalities, and in particular the absence of any testosterone in a woman's body - but it's usually psychological in origin.
The level of testosterone in a woman's blood stream is far lower than it is in a man's, but even so it is produced by the adrenals and it has a role in controlling sexual desire. Hormone replacement therapy for women may well include testosterone to increase libido.
Another physical cause of complete lack of sexual desire is dyspareunia or painful intercourse. This is attributable in many cases to vaginismus, a condition where the sphincter muscle which guards the entrance to the vagina closes so tightly that penetration is impossible.
A number of women with dyspareunia can accept penetration but not thrusting, and as soon as the penis starts to move, the vaginal muscle sphincter clamps down on the penis very strongly. this is vaginismus, and it can also be caused by fear (often resulting from past trauma) or pain induced by small lesions of the labia or vagina.